I have a 39 yo step-sister (SS)...this is my mom's husband's daughter. She lives in CA with her husband. No children. She has her Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling. She has her own counseling practice. She brings in at least 6 figures. She owns a few houses. She has evolved into an avid runner in the past couple of years, having at least 3 marathons under her belt. She just planned a trip to Hawaii for her 40th Birthday in January and will run a 1/2 marathon there. She is really nice.
The issue is that I feel that I am constantly compared to her and well, in comparison, I am a complete and utter failure and it kills me. It makes it difficult to 'like' her, even though she is not at fault for anything. My mom will often mention one of many pieces of "good news" about her...there are so many it's almost a sort of fantasy life if you ask me. When it seems nothing is going well for you (me), it's very difficult to feel happy about someone else's WONDERFUL life. Heck, at this rate, I'll be lucky if I get a dinner at McDonald's for my 40th birthday...although if anyone asks (doubtful), I sure would like to do something special (there are 15 months left for planning).
When I was researching iPhone stuff, my mom suggested I call SS to get her input, because of course SHE has an iPhone. I'm sorry, but she is the last person I would call to ask iPhone questions. I have plenty of friends who have an iPhone that I could ask (and I did).
SS sends my mom nice gifts for her birthday and Mother's Day. It bothers me. It bothers me mostly because I cannot afford to do the same or more. It's embarrassing. And my mom excitedly mentions how lovely the gifts are. Then she goes on to mention how she just loves SS (and her brother) so much and is so glad that they have "accepted" her. *insert knife & twist*
Additionally, mom & her husband are going to CA in July to visit them for about 10 days and to watch & cheer on SS & her husband run in (another) marathon. I could guarantee you that
I'm not sure there are any answers to this situation. The simple "don't let it bother you" or "don't compare yourself" just don't work. It's unavoidable. I realize we all make different choices in life, she went to grad school right away, I waited an eternity to go...hence we are in different places. It doesn't make things any easier though.
At the end of the day, I don't feel like my mom has anything to be proud about when it comes to her daughter...and don't say that she has a cute grandson, because let's face it...making a baby doesn't take a lot of talent or skill and just about anyone can do it.
Just sayin'.
14 gave their input:
It must take talent because I can't do it.... and trust me, I'm always compared to my siblings and their wonderful children. Because in my life, the sun shines out my sister and brother's asses because they gave my parents grandchildren. Tough to compete with that one when you're an infertile.
You are HER daughter, and I don't care what anyone says (even though I don't have kids) I don't understand how a relationship between a blood child and a stepchild can be compared, especially if the said stepchild came into the picture after blood child was raised (not sure if that's the case with you or not). You have memories with your mom that your SS doesn't, and you share a bond that they don't. All relationships are different, though. I am sure it is totally frustrating to be constantly compared; I know that happens in my parents and my in-laws' houses between us and our siblings, and it's unfair. I think lots of times parents aren't even capable of seeing how much damage simple words can cause to someone who is already frustrated and unhappy. Have you spoken to your mom about it? Would she be totally offended if you brought this up? Does she realize how unhappy you are at this point?
So I pretty much just rambled a lot and I'm not sure if I said anything helpful....but hugs anyway.
My mom has been married to SS's dad for 4.5 years now. They have gone to CA at least 3 times to visit them. I'm hesitant to say anything to my mom because she will certainly deny that her comments are meant to be hurtful & then probably tell me that I am too sensitive. She knows I'm unhappy but I also don't think she thinks about it much in her glazed over plush life that she lives now. She is also quick to say that my life won't be like this forever & that when I graduate I can make changes etc...as if I'll be done w/school and immediately be making six figures...I'm not going into private practice (like SS), so NO I won't be making big $$...anyway, I guess I just rambled a bunch now.
Hmm, not sure if you mentioned whether your mom works or not. I have found with my mother, and husbands grand-mother, that sometimes they don't have much to talk about in their own lives so they talk about the people they do have contact with. I get to hear how wonderful my nephews are and how great my sister is. It use to irritate me, but I stopped tho think about it and figured my sister gets an earful about my kids, husband and me. Trust me we're not that great, but if you hear my mom tell it we are :) Same with my husbands grandmother!! Yeah, hot topic, I just rambled too! Just sharing a little of your pain!!!
I was thinking what ROW said, who knows how much she talks about YOU and E to SS. If your mom doesn't work (I don't ever remember you mentioning if she does or not), then ROW is right, she doesn't have much to talk about so talks about everybody. My SIL turned into a super gossip when she was finally able to stay at home with her kids.
My mom is retired but they stay busy. Regardless, the point is she has nothing GOOD to say about me, if she talks about me and E at all, it's likely 95% about E.
Sorry to hear that you are not feeling good about yourself. That is always a bummer. Conscious focus on gratitude and positive affirmations helps me out of spots like that.
I'm really sorry, K. I'm sure your mom is just totally caught up in her lifestyle and as bad as this sounds (don't mean to offend you here), she probably isn't capable at this point of understanding how much it truly hurts you. If they've only been married for about 5 years, SS is still "new" to her and I'm sure she considers California an exotic change of pace. Also, if your SD is close to his daughter, she may feel like she has to buy into his enthusiasm or whatever. Like I said earlier, you're her DAUGHTER, and she should ultimately respect your feelings...tell her it hurts and that it's an unfair comparision that really bothers you.
Krystyn, have you heard the crap people praise their kids about? Seriously, my SIL says her kids are the cutest, sweetest, because they say please after asking for a glass of milk (okay, not exactly that, but ridiculousness like that). So even if your mom DIDN'T have anything to praise you about - which she *totally* does - she's your mom, she can make anything you do sound awesome.
And I can attest to Gidget's statement, she needs to buy into SS. Hubby's step-mom of 20 years is always saying things that show she's trying to ingratiate herself to him, or that she knows him so well - hell, she talks about how cute he was an infant so often, sometimes I get confused and think she knew him them, even though she didn't start dating his dad until he was about 10.
If you need to know anything else about the iPhone, drop me an email..or visit www. everythingicafe.com As almost everyone there has one! x
That sucks!
If it were me, I would say something to my mom and let her know how you truly feel - maybe ask her bluntly what she tells SS about you. I'm sure she's not doing it to be hurtful, she just making idle conversation, she's just not realizing how it's making you feel.
As for the 40th - no one did anything special for me either. Screw them, come to Canada or I'll meet you in the middle and we can celebrate in style - without stupid boys.
I always remember growing up that whenever we would get together with my grandfather, he would always talk about Jean and Jim, the relatives of his second wife (my step-grandmother). Always Jean and Jim...blah, blah, blah. While I truly loved my grandfather, I always felt like he was just so close to these 'step-people'....
At his funeral, Jean and Jim came up to me and said "all your grandfather ever talked about was you and your brother Richard. he loved you both so much."
Suddenly, what I thought had been a negative turned into a positive. He glowed over them when talking to me. Apparently he glowed over me when talking to them.
I tell you this not only to make you feel better but to help you see that what we perceive to be the truth is not always the truth.
You completed a marathon recently. You are working hard in your field. You are constantly trying to better yourself. You DO have an adorable son. I can only imagine that your mother tells her stepdaughter many of the things you are accomplishing in your life.
And if she doesn't......who cares? You don't need the stepsister's approval. Perhaps you feel slighted by your Mom? Guarantee that that feeling has very little to do with the stepsister. Don't look to them for validation of your worth. You prove it daily by what you do in your own life and you don't need confirmation from others (though I am sure it'd be nice to hear).
I'm sure it's really hard, it's hard enough comparing yourself to a sibling (which you probably haven't had to deal with before) but to have a step-sister... where your mom is obviously concerned about trying to build a relationship and get them to like her. Hard!
Have you talked to your mom about it at all? It might help... she might not also be used to the idea of being a parent to more than one (albiet adult) child.
And as one who knows to well, being content with who you are and where you are is key in life fullstop. Comparing yourself to anyone is stupid. You don't know what they're going through, what's beneath the veneer of the perfect life. I know I fall into that trap all too often.
It's extremely difficult not to compare ourselves to others... especially when we are not where we would like to be with life in general (trust me, I'm right there with ya). I guess we just need to focus on where we are with ourselves. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
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